Do you ever wonder how it is we can be so magnificent in the eyes of others and completely blind to that ourselves?
I spent the first part of my life believing I was doomed to never be happy or loved because I wasn’t thin.
I was a teenager in the 60’s when Twiggy was the top model. At 5’2”, with naturally curly hair and a moderate weight, there was no way I was going to resemble Twiggy or any of the other models of the era.
My mother’s philosophy was, ”You could never be too rich or too thin”. Her perspective distorted how she saw me and I internalized the message that I was fat, and therefore ugly and unlovable.
That set the stage for my life.
I remember sitting in tears in a therapist’s office staring at a questionnaire that asked me to describe myself, beginning with “I am…” All I could think to write was “Fat”. I was 26 years old and I thought that was the sum of me.
I couldn’t get beyond that body image to see any other qualities, abilities or talents.
In my 30’s and beyond, I would have described myself as a list of my accomplishments, as that was my other measuring scale. In the second part of my life, those defined me and my sense of self-worth.
Fortunately, and due to diligent self-discovery and healing work, in the 3rd part of my life, I recognize my value is inherent in my being. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of all the dreams and goals I desire. And I see that truth for everyone.
In 1999, I met the late Debbie Ford, and began studying with her. At first through a retreat and her New York Best Selling books; then later to become trained and certified as an Integrative and Best Year of Your Life Coach.
Debbie taught me to embrace every part of myself – the negative qualities I was working so hard to hide and the positive ones I projected onto others but could not see inside of me.
Friends and family remarked on what a huge transformation this work had on me.
I’d struggled with depression throughout my life, and that lifted as I began to become more conscious of the good inside me and better skilled to work on the aspects I wanted to change.
I was a community college professor for over 30 years. I loved that job, but also wanted to help people through coaching. Teaching was so demanding, I had little time for anything else during the academic year. My coaching business was always on hold from September to June.
In 2007 I learned about a process of scientific hand analysis and had my hands analyzed to determine my ideal market for my coaching business. That reading changed the direction of my life forever.
When I learned my life purpose was to be a Healer with Heart, I finally understood why I’d spent my adult life so curious about what makes human beings the way we are and completely fascinated by personal development.
I also found out that my huge personal challenge was my soul’s intention for me to overcome in this lifetime. My life lesson is to Stuff my Feelings. It was no accident I had been taught to keep quiet and to soothe any physical or emotional pain with sweets when I was quite young, which led to not only a lifelong pattern to not feel, but also the overeating which had led to being “not thin enough” as a teenager.
I decided I had to retire and allow myself the opportunity to do the coaching I was passionate about. I also studied hand analysis to be able to help others with the answers hidden in their hands.
It’s been an exciting and terrifying 8 years of learning how to create a successful business. I’ve found that self-employment is the best way to develop myself personally as all my issues come up to assist or sabotage me. I’ve learned to persist and believe if the desire is there, the means to make it happen must also be present, even when those means are not visible.
I’ve also learned to be true to myself and that my most effective way of helping other people has come through working on myself and developing my skills as a coach. I embrace my sensitivity now, instead of feeling it is a curse. My clients value my nurturing and gentle nature and the safe space I create for them to be their authentic selves.
The saying that “when the student is ready, the teacher appears” is so true. I’ve found the ideal teacher shows up as I need him or her. I am grateful to David Neagle for teaching me “The Miracle of Money”; and Matt Kahn for showing me how self love is the answer to any question. Dr. Wayne Dyer inspires me to believe anything is possible.
One of the things I had the most trouble with in my early life was relationships. Those are continuously deepening and supportive as I learn how to be more emotionally authentic – another aspect of my life purpose in this incarnation.
I am passionate about teaching and guiding others to be themselves; to not let anything stop them from living their life purpose and to love themselves just as they are.
I love being older for the wisdom and perspective I’ve acquired. I enjoy longer and more frequent times of grace, where I feel blessed, grateful, and inspired.
And I look forward with grateful anticipation for what I will create in the next part of my life.